Step one…. Letting Go

Sorry to disappoint but I am not talking about the sensational song from Frozen. I also apologize for being a *little* drunk. I wrote an email (earlier before the drinking started) that should be life changing. I want to share it here because… well, because this is my blog and I can. I’m working on healing. Healing from a breakup that to me was earth shattering. This was my first step. The below is an email I sent today… 

To the man I love,

It occurred to me today that I am not myself. The Annette that you met on October 13th was strong, amazing, intelligent, and emotionally together. The Annette that I am today is an emotional bomb just waiting to explode. All it takes is a fleeting moment, a song, a smell, a blue FJ Cruiser, a picture, or even a news headline about fires and I’m crying, or smiling, or remembering. Remembering all the good we had and then suddenly remembering that it’s not mine anymore. I remember that we aren’t together and that you are sharing new memories with new people. I realize that I probably don’t cross your mind half as much as you do mine and not because you don’t want to but because you didn’t lose yourself in our relationship. I did. Like I always do.
 I’ve never had trouble recovering from a breakup. Normally, I’ve fallen out of love, or they’ve done something so awful that I can’t stand the sight of them, or I’ve done something so awful that I feel bad. I realized today that the reason I am having trouble is because I didn’t do anything wrong. I love you. I have loved you from the moment you hugged me at Berg Park. I’ve had no closure. Sure, you came to my apartment and explained to me the reasoning behind it but that’s not enough for me. I need more. I’ve talked to friends and they have their opinions and most of them think that you are hiding something. 
You never lied to me until Amanda. I know, I keep bringing her up but it’s a huge thing to bring up and an even bigger thing to move forward from. The more I think about it the more I wonder if you’ve been lying to me about still loving me. I don’t want to think that because it will crush me. And maybe you don’t want to tell me that truth because you know it will crush me but the thing is I would rather be crushed than live with the false hope and false sense of love. I survived a meth, heroin, and cocaine addict. I survived a man who got so high he didn’t know who I was. I can survive this. I know I can. I just need truth.
 I have always been honest with you. So here are some truths for you…. I hardly worked out while you were in Oklahoma because every time we fought I was discouraged. I have been on a date since we split and I thought of you most of the time. I had to turn someone down while you and I were together. I can’t bring myself to delete your pictures from my phone but as soon as I send this email I intend to. I know you are on facebook and have me blocked. I will be gathering the photos there and eliminating them. I have to move on. I can’t keep holding on because its hurting me more than saving me. I have every intent of moving on but it won’t be easy because I’ve never been so in love with someone.
 I still have this crazy gut feeling that you are the man I will marry but right now i have to silence that. I have to find a way to get you out of my head. I’m sorry to do this while you are working. I’m not sure when you will read this or what affect it will have on you. I do apologize but it’s time to do this for me. It’s time to take myself back. I read a quote today and it’s sticking with me.
 “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy…. Truth is everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” 
The fact is I’m an amazing woman. You were lucky to have me standing by your side. You were stupid to throw me away. I am more faithful, loving, understanding, incredible, beautiful, magnificent, extraordinary than any other woman you will meet. You are a fool. A fool that I just so happen to love. I’m not trying to pick a fight. I’m not trying to guilt you into coming back to you. I’m letting you know that I can’t hold on. I have to be me. I have to find me. I’m getting my life together still and I can’t be focused on a man who may not love me while I do that. You have my heart but I’m going to take it back. 
I wish you all the best in life. I pray that you will be safe. I love you and that doesn’t go away but it’s time to love me more. 

 

Holding on… to what?

I can’t focus on a damn thing… we are broken up. We are not together. We have been for about a month now.

I cannot get you out of my head. I cannot stop smelling you in passing. I cannot stop hearing you in my head. I cannot stop my heart from loving you. I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face. I cannot stop.

My biggest fear is that you will not come back to me, that you will stop loving me. I deserve to be loved. Am I so in love with you that I won’t be able to let someone else love me? You have a job that you could very well lose your life doing. Could I never see you again? Never feel you again? Never hear you again? These fears consume my thoughts. Consume me.

Am I in love with a man who doesn’t love me? Are you pushing me away for my own benefit? Am I reading too much into all of this? Why?

Can someone please save me from myself. 

Day… well, I don’t know what day I should be on

Clearly I’m well past day 3 and guess what? I totally gave up! Not surprising really. I was going through a lot mentally and when that happens to me I just sort of shut down. As most of us do. I’m not giving up though, I have a goal in mind. My birthday is in August and I want to weigh in at 200lbs (or less) by my birthday. That gives me 29 pounds to lose. (if you are smart, you just learned how much I weigh)

I purchased a stationary bike for my little apartment. I’m a single mom so finding time and energy to get to the gym is hard. My solution is bringing the gym to me. I can hop on it whenever and ride a mile in ten minutes. I’ve started purchasing more fruit and less crap at the grocery store. When the weather here decides what it wants to do I am going to start taking the kids for an evening walk after dinner to a park that is only 3 blocks away. There is also a page on Facebook dedicated to finding lost/found pets in my area and they have asked my to help them promote a “dog of the week” by walking a dog from our local shelter.

My goal is to make a lifestyle change. I don’t just want to lose weight. I want to teach my children how to be healthy by eating right and having an active life. I know that I will never be skinny. My body is not built for skinny and quite frankly, I love my curves. I simply want to teach my kids to love their bodies and treat them right.

I’ll never be an extreme dieter. I don’t have that type of self control. It’s been hard enough giving up soda. I could never give up sugar all together. I know my body though, I know what it needs, what it wants, when it hurts, when I’m being lazy. I know I have it in me to meet my goal and probably exceed it, it’s simply time to put in the effort.

I have lost three pounds in the last week by simply going through a break up and being depressed and not eating. That is not a healthy way to lose weight and not the way I want to continue to do this. My body wants to move and my mind appreciates the time to clear itself while I move.

I’m going to be a better me, a better mom, a better friend, and overall a better person. And you get to come along for the ride!

Day 3

February 25th

My eating was less horrendous today and my water intake was much better. Still had a soda today and a bowl of cereal this evening. i bought some slimquick tonight and I will start it in the morning. I’m hoping it gives me the energy I need.

It’s seems like I just can’t get enough sleep lately. I will get up in the morning and work out! I must!!!

I can see changes and I think it’s from the wraps and the now working out. If I had been working out when I started them, there would be better results. I’m sure.

I’m excited for the next few months of life. Getting to see T will make everything so much better. I miss that man like crazy. I love him too. More than I have ever loved someone. He’s my other half. We just fit perfectly together.

1. Your willingness to help others.
2. You are a good mother.
3. You are a good daughter and sister.

60 crunches
1.5 minute plank

Tomorrow is a new day! Let’s kick it’s ass!!!

(I will note that day four was not a good one and I kicked no ass. I’m having trouble finding a groove. And now that the time change has happened it’s much worse but alas I will make it!!!) 

I’m not good at Blogging

I started this blog hoping to help guide me through the rough spots of motherhood, dieting, and sanity. I clearly found none of those things. I started a second blog that was supposed to be about being single and then I went and won me the first place prize in perfect men so that went out the window… I still post from time to time about how wonderful he is and the sometimes trials we have. I’ve returned to this blog with my journal.

I’ve started a journal to maybe help keep me on track with my exercising, eating, relationship, and life in general. I clearly won’t be posting everything I write but I will start with day one and with luck I will get better at this blogging thing. (I now have a home with internet so maybe just maybe it will be easier)

Day 1 February 23rd

I’m just emerging from a depression whole and I thought writing things out might help. This particular journal has been in my life since 2005. Nine years later, here I am still the worst journaler ever. Oh well! I’m going to attempt to use this for an exercise/eating/emotional journal. Those are the three E’s that are very prominent in my life. 

I was doing really well with the working out every morning but then I lost it. I have an early morning meeting tomorrow so I am going to get my workout in tonight. My food intake has been awful as well but it’s time to change that too.

I’ve got to get myself out of this depression.  Only I can do it. I control my emotions. So it’s time to take it back! I’m taking my mind, body, and soul back tonight!!

Every time I journal I’m going to write 3 things I love about myself.

1. My hair. It’s healthy and beautiful.
2. You are strong enough to forgive.
3. You love with all that you have.

24 squats
10 pushups
60 crunches
90 second plank

I don’t own a scale and I don’t know if I want to but I will find a way to track my progress. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. My last weigh in was *** (you don’t get to know this). I don’t like that number at all. I’m going to change it. I’m going to surprise myself and everyone else!!!

 

Body complexes and other life depressions

Hey ya’ll I’m in a really down period right now… 

I’m in a weird transition period in life that is totally kicking my ass. I am in the weight loss stage where you stop seeing results even though you know you are losing and thus causing you to believe you are never going to lose weight again. And I am in an even more difficult transition in regards to my love life. I am going to just wanting casual sex with no attachments to wanting to actually go on a date and hold someone’s hand and be told I’m pretty. 

Now the complicated thing with the relationship transition is that I really like a guy that I have been having casual sex with and when we are together it’s not just sex. I go over and we sit on the couch and cuddle and talk before getting down to it. And it is the MOST extraordinary sex of my life! It is intimate and sensual and he makes me feel sooo sexy. Now he and I have had an understanding that us being an actual couple could never happen because we just aren’t in the same places in life and I don’t think we will ever be but that doesn’t stop him from doing boyfriend like things and confusing me. My best friend advised me to stop seeing him but I can’t bring myself to do that because when I am with him I am so content (and again best sex of my life). 

Any how this isn’t going to be a long post just a “I’m lost and confused” post… thanks for listening

It’s a good thing I am not a professional blogger

So I sort of suck at this…. I started the blog so that I could help track my healing progress and you know venting about random shit that I feel needs to be vented about and other random crap. Unfortunately I get sidetracked easily and then second guess myself. I have two drafts sitting there waiting to be completed and posted but they probably never will… I suck at this. I’ve always sucked at keeping a journal so it really comes to no surprise to me that I can’t keep this up. Thank goodness I only have 5 of you following me! But I will try to become more active here and keep you filled with the random nothingness that is my life… 

So here goes for tonight… my ex is in jail because he is a huge douche… more on that later but for now he has court on the 29th of this month and I am starting to freak out a little. If he gets his way he gets out on the 29th. If it goes the way I am hoping he is in until October… either way I have therapy scheduled for the 30th. 

My ex is an addict. He’s addicted to pain meds, meth, cocaine, and being an overall asshat. I put up with him for more than two years before I finally left him and had him arrested for pawning my laptop (which I am typing from now). He got out and was put on probation, a stipulation of his probation was no contact with me and in order to see our son he had to go through a mediator. He never did those things and he constantly contacted me. I reported it every time like I was supposed but nothing really came of it. I then heard from a former mutual friend that he had stolen a gun and was on the loose so to speak. And because local law enforcement sometimes sucks big monkey balls they couldn’t do anything to help me… Any how eventually dumb ass got high and broke into someone’s house and was arrested. Luckily for me on the same day he got arrested for that the warrant for his probation violation (ie. contacting me) was created. He was sentenced to 60 days for the breaking and entering. Those are up on the 29th and he has court that day for the probation violation and I freaking out on the inside! 

I know everything will be ok and that the kids and I are safe but there is always that part of me that worries. Our justice system is crap sometimes… I’ve been on the receiving end of it before. Sorry to whine at you all… but thanks for listening… 

 

Motherhood at its finest…

As I mentioned in my first post I am a single mother…

I like to think I am quite good at single motherhood but today is not a good day. Today the kids are driving me f#$&ing crazy. Today I wonder if my New Year’s resolution should be no children. If I had a device that could count how many times a day I say the word “no” or the phrase “because I said so” I would probably break it. I feel a little ragged today because of these little monsters.

I was 19 years old and living with my parents when I got pregnant with my daughter. Break up sex. When my parents found out we were never worried about what I was going to do. I was born with more maternal instinct than anyone should have… its been a curse in my search for the perfect man but more on that later. Lu’s donor (as we call him since he has NO part in her life) told me to have an abortion when I was 8 months pregnant. Seriously, I have horrible taste in men. The donor gave me the most beautiful baby girl in the world. She is seriously perfect in every way… except for her inability to listen these days but that isn’t entirely her fault.

I was 23 years old and in a really crappy relationship when I got pregnant with my son. My parent’s HATED this idea… they hate my ex more now and are grateful for the perfect little man we have now. My ex was/is a meth, cocaine, and heroin addict. I have smoked pot once in my life and threw up for two hours. I was very naive to the drug world. I didn’t know the signs and I truly believed with my whole heart that this guy would get better and kick his habit for us….

Two and a half years later I had to leave my home with my kids and the bare necessities. I was lucky enough to have a friend with a spare room and an understanding husband. I am forever indebted to my friends for their hospitality and their generosity. That being said living here has been quite a learning experience. My advice to you is that any time you are going to have different parenting methods merge that it should be discussed at LENGTH ahead of time. I am a person who thrives on structure there for my children thrive on it as well… this household does not what so ever… its a little frustrating….

I should be getting out on my own again soon and cannot wait to reign in my kids again and maybe find a little structured sanity.

Anyhow, Happy New Year to my few readers! May 2013 bring nothing but joy!

 

 

Time for something new

Image So I have never blogged before but I read other people’s blogs and it seems like something I should do. My intent is to use the blog as a healing process. The year 2012 was a bitch. It was rough and I made some really stupid decisions which I will probably discuss in detail throughout this blog. I am going to take 2013 by the balls and make it my bitch! I am taking my life back and I am hoping to share it with you… whoever you may be. 

A little about me… I am a 25 year old single mother of two. My daughter is 5 years old and a smaller version of me which is absolutely terrifying! My son is 14 months and the happiest child I have ever met which is wonderfully helpful. I just started a new job with an oilfield company and I suspect I will make myself at home there and make a career out of it. I also have two cats that are also like my children. Friday will be 3 years old in March (yes, I know how old my cat is) and Saphira is almost two. I have had Friday since he was less than 24 hours old and Saphira is a pure bred Bengal that my dick head ex and I acquired and I kept. 

I’m going to sign off now but will blog some more soon!