Step one…. Letting Go

Sorry to disappoint but I am not talking about the sensational song from Frozen. I also apologize for being a *little* drunk. I wrote an email (earlier before the drinking started) that should be life changing. I want to share it here because… well, because this is my blog and I can. I’m working on healing. Healing from a breakup that to me was earth shattering. This was my first step. The below is an email I sent today… 

To the man I love,

It occurred to me today that I am not myself. The Annette that you met on October 13th was strong, amazing, intelligent, and emotionally together. The Annette that I am today is an emotional bomb just waiting to explode. All it takes is a fleeting moment, a song, a smell, a blue FJ Cruiser, a picture, or even a news headline about fires and I’m crying, or smiling, or remembering. Remembering all the good we had and then suddenly remembering that it’s not mine anymore. I remember that we aren’t together and that you are sharing new memories with new people. I realize that I probably don’t cross your mind half as much as you do mine and not because you don’t want to but because you didn’t lose yourself in our relationship. I did. Like I always do.
 I’ve never had trouble recovering from a breakup. Normally, I’ve fallen out of love, or they’ve done something so awful that I can’t stand the sight of them, or I’ve done something so awful that I feel bad. I realized today that the reason I am having trouble is because I didn’t do anything wrong. I love you. I have loved you from the moment you hugged me at Berg Park. I’ve had no closure. Sure, you came to my apartment and explained to me the reasoning behind it but that’s not enough for me. I need more. I’ve talked to friends and they have their opinions and most of them think that you are hiding something. 
You never lied to me until Amanda. I know, I keep bringing her up but it’s a huge thing to bring up and an even bigger thing to move forward from. The more I think about it the more I wonder if you’ve been lying to me about still loving me. I don’t want to think that because it will crush me. And maybe you don’t want to tell me that truth because you know it will crush me but the thing is I would rather be crushed than live with the false hope and false sense of love. I survived a meth, heroin, and cocaine addict. I survived a man who got so high he didn’t know who I was. I can survive this. I know I can. I just need truth.
 I have always been honest with you. So here are some truths for you…. I hardly worked out while you were in Oklahoma because every time we fought I was discouraged. I have been on a date since we split and I thought of you most of the time. I had to turn someone down while you and I were together. I can’t bring myself to delete your pictures from my phone but as soon as I send this email I intend to. I know you are on facebook and have me blocked. I will be gathering the photos there and eliminating them. I have to move on. I can’t keep holding on because its hurting me more than saving me. I have every intent of moving on but it won’t be easy because I’ve never been so in love with someone.
 I still have this crazy gut feeling that you are the man I will marry but right now i have to silence that. I have to find a way to get you out of my head. I’m sorry to do this while you are working. I’m not sure when you will read this or what affect it will have on you. I do apologize but it’s time to do this for me. It’s time to take myself back. I read a quote today and it’s sticking with me.
 “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy…. Truth is everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” 
The fact is I’m an amazing woman. You were lucky to have me standing by your side. You were stupid to throw me away. I am more faithful, loving, understanding, incredible, beautiful, magnificent, extraordinary than any other woman you will meet. You are a fool. A fool that I just so happen to love. I’m not trying to pick a fight. I’m not trying to guilt you into coming back to you. I’m letting you know that I can’t hold on. I have to be me. I have to find me. I’m getting my life together still and I can’t be focused on a man who may not love me while I do that. You have my heart but I’m going to take it back. 
I wish you all the best in life. I pray that you will be safe. I love you and that doesn’t go away but it’s time to love me more. 

 

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